Back Again

I need to start writing again. Seriously. Have I mentioned before that I really do want to write? Books, articles, journal entries…I don’t really care. I just know that it’s something I’m good at (this particular post is probably not the best example, seeing as how it’s nearly 2 AM) and something I love…too much to completely waste on lesson plans alone. So again, I come back to the same question: where do I start? Honestly, I have nothing terribly exciting to write about. At the moment, I have this idea brewing in the back of my mind…one that’s fairly unrealistic, but maaaybe possible. I really do want to get myself published in the English Journal, NCTE’s professional journal for secondary ELA teachers. I have the start of an article already, one about how communication technology has changed the way students use language and how we can embrace these changes rather than try to “fix” them. Ok, so I’m sure this does not sound even remotely interesting to any person with a shred of sanity left in them, but I am thrilled. At this point, that’s the only tangible idea I can see that has even the slightest possibility of coming to fruition. And it’s a good start, really. Actually being able to say that I’ve been published in a professional journal would be pretty awesome (and look fantastic on a resume!), but I don’t want it to stop there. While I definitely care about writing instruction and all things education-related, I so want to write about something that’s slightly more human, you know?

I’ve already established that fiction is simply not going to work for me. I can string words together well enough, but I just do not have the creative ability to completely make up characters, plots, conflicts, resolutions etc. etc. all on my own. I don’t believe I would get past the first chapter. I’ve also determined that I cannot write about anything that I have not personally experienced. Maybe it’s a mental block, but it just feels too dishonest and freezes my words and ideas so that I truly cannot go anywhere that I haven’t really gone. This narrows down my options quite a bit. I laughed when Stacey told me to “Just write about your life,” to which I promptly responded, “And who would want to read that?!” Bless her heart, she assured me that she would, of course, if only to have a more detailed description of how I was complete slacker and procrastinator as early as kindergarten (long story, maybe one for another night).

Here’s what I DO know: this desire I have to write is not a new one. It may have been lying dormant for a little while, but sooner or later, it always comes back to this. And I always find myself asking the same questions…Where to start? What to write? You know what I think? I think that God places dreams and desires within our hearts for a very specific purpose, and that purpose will always be to glorify His name in some way or another. I don’t know how the Lord wants me to use this dream for Him, but I’m planning on asking.

You know, I really cannot remember the last time I read an entire book in a day. I'm usually extremely sensitive to the fact when I'm reading not just for enjoyment, but because there's really nothing else to do...in fact, as soon as I become too aware of the fact that reading is the only thing I have to occupy my time, I put the book down. It's that obligation thing again...it messes with my head every time.

But that's really beside the point at the moment. All I really wanted to say is that for the fist time in a long while, I plowed through an entire book (albeit a kind of short one...it was no 800 page Harry Potter book or anything) almost in one sitting last night. The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams is one of the books I got while I was at NCTE. I'm really not good at talking about a story's plot without giving too much away, so all I'll say is that it's about a 13-year-old girl (Kyra Leigh Carlson) living in a polygamist compound who has been "chosen" to become her 60-year-old uncle's seventh wife. Wow...in addition to the extremely fast-paced and heart wrenching story, Kyra's character so accurately portrays the thoughts and feelings of a young teenager--the complicated mixture of her bold determination to search for truth, her steadfast devotion and love to her family, the guilt of her "sins", and her desperate need to escape a community that thrives on obedience born out of fear.

Here's the thing though...this isn't just a story from one author's overactive imagination. While the specific events and characters from this book are fictional, polygamist cults are very real, brainwashing their members into doing unspeakable evil. Check out this article from fox news: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,346959,00.html . That was in 2008...a little too recent to simply ignore, don't you think?

It makes me so grateful for our God who is good, merciful, righteous, full of unfailing love and compassion. Others may try to manipulate His word, but in the end, Truth will always win out.

Christmas Spirit?

The silence in this apartment is absolutely deafening. It's finals week...we're stressed, frustrated, impatient, and TIRED. You would think that the culmination of these thing would add up to exasperated outbursts, loud rants and raves about the misery of exams, or at the very least a couple of friendly arguments over whatever silly things that roommates argue about (dishes? taking out the trash? I'm a little clueless here, since we are not the arguing type), but no. It all adds up to a silence so heavy and penetrating, that it's all I can do just to keep myself from running away. It's not that I like noise necessarily, but I definitely like to have something going on in the background...just to remind me that I don't live in a tomb.

It's almost Christmas, and here we are with our just recently decorated apartment (ok, we only got as far as the fireplace and some lights strung feebly along the railing of the balcony, but it's a start!), and no other perceivable bit of Christmas spirit or holiday cheer to go along with it. I'm sad to say it, but I think this must mean that I've grown up. Christmas cookies and jingle bells simply aren't enough to replace the stress of being a college senior with the excitement of the current season. I hate that I have lost this sense of joy, but what I hate more is that I don't really know how to regain it. I realize that the fact that I'm no longer in grade school has something to do with this, but shouldn't the mystery of Christmas--Christ coming to Earth as one of us--still bring joy to my heart and cause me to stop and wonder at the mystery of it all? The sheer magnitude of such an act...for God to become human, to live this sometimes weary life, knowing all along that He would have to die a most excruciating death to save the ones that put Him on the cross in the first place.

My Christmas prayer is that I be reunited with that joy and wonder...that my heart might be constantly amazed at the gift He came to give us all. Lord Jesus, please give me a more sincere heart to accept this gift from You. I pray that my actions and attitude might glorify You and lift You up, pointing others toward Your ceaseless love. May praises and prayers of thanksgiving constantly reside on my lips. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

So I guess I completely fail at doing ANYTHING consistently...writing on a daily basis included. I don't know if it's the fact that I feel like I have nothing of any real significance to say (seriously, how many times can I talk about finals and lesson plans?) or the mere hint of obligation I feel to keep this thing updated. I swear, as soon as I make the slightest shift from wanting to do something to feeling like maybe I should, all of my self-discipline flies right out the window. Like reading...I may very well have read some of those "classics" all on my own and LOVED them, but because a teacher was telling me that I had to read them because they were just plain important...I got a little rebellious. Maybe that's understandable and even halfway acceptable in high school, but seriously?!...You would think that after spending 4 years being completely self-sufficient and making my own decisions, I would not experience such unwilling resistance to anything that holds any measure of obligation. I should be able to just suck it up and finish what I started. But no.

See, that's another little issue I have. I simply cannot finish one thing before starting another. Again, this is demonstrated all too well by my reading habits. I'll be halfway through one book before deciding that I just have to start this other one that has been sitting on my shelf for months. Or I'll make out a to-do list for myself, and rather than making my way down the list one at a time, I do bits pieces of each thing sporadically, never really making any real progress. What's worse though, is that I'm all too aware of my tendency to simply give up mid-way through a project simply because I've had enough of it. I was born without the gene that makes you finish something just because you want to see it completed. I started reading The Book Thief a few weeks ago and was totally sucked it...I couldn't get enough! I spent all of my free time working my way through this book...until I got to the last 50 or so pages. I had had enough. So now it's sitting on my floor, almost read but not quite, and to be honest...I don't have any intention of picking it up again.

WHAT is it about me that keeps me from having the ability to successfully complete any task, project, or challenge in an efficient manner?! Is it a mental block? Is it just something that I've been telling myself for so many years that is has actually manifested itself in my day-to-day life, or am I really just incapable of establishing and keeping routines and habits?

I'm beginning to think that the only consistent "habit" I will ever be capable of sustaining is my dire need for my morning coffee fix.