Wasted Time

I have become far too attached to my amazon wish list these days. I've just recently started actively using this list to keep track of the books I'm planning to read, but my obsession with "catching up" on what's out there in children's and young adult fiction has now morphed into a strange need to build up lists of potential shoe purchases as well as furniture, appliances, clothing, and other accessories. I can spend hours at a time browsing store websites and adding all manner of things to my wish list that I truly have no need (and possibly no real desire) for, but I get an odd thrill out pushing the "add to list" button that's now bookmarked on my toolbar. There you have it ladies and gentleman...the remainder of my summer summed up in only 2 words: virtual shopping.

Then there are nights not unlike this one, where I ask myself, "Why?". Why, with so much free time on my hands, do I insist on squandering it all away on meaningless activities that are not even close to productive or enriching. Seriously, I spend more time creating book lists than I do actually reading the books that I buy. And then there's all of that writing I wanted to do...the pages of notes I've taken over the past few weeks with real ideas and inspiration that I've been waiting a long time for. One would think that I may be motivated to write more, especially when I have a virtually non-existent social life at the moment. But the piles of unread books on the shelf and the unwritten letters and stories are not even close to significant compared to the other things I've been neglecting.

I won't lie and say that I haven't been a bit lonely here and there throughout the summer. It's hard to be away from the people I have come to be so close to over the years, despite the fact that I am surrounded with a whole heap of others who have done their best to make me feel at home for the time I'm here. The fact that they are all at least a decade older than me is irrelevant. What matters is that I've ignored, time and time again, a golden opportunity to draw even closer to the Father. On the nights I've been "shopping" from my bedroom out of boredom or reading books I don't really care about...the nights when I may have felt more than a little depressed to be so far away from the friends who have come to mean so much to me recently, I could have been opening myself up, allowing God to continue working on my heart, comforting me as only He can. And yet, I've sat so still, not even daring to make the move that I know is so necessary, so essential for my spiritual health. From the beginning of the summer, I have struggled with this sense of apathy, and here I am at the end...still in the same place. Wasted time, indeed.

Of course I'm not saying that this summer hasn't been special, valuable, or unforgettable. But what matters most in my relationship with Him, the One I promised to love, to praise, to glorify with every fiber of my being, and I've ignored that promise, choosing instead to let my faith lie dormant, never manifesting itself in action. Father forgive me, and instill in me a sense of urgency, a desperate need to grow closer, to know You as I never have before.

Finding Old Friends

Here I am, talking like a book nerd again...but you have no idea how liberating it has been to admit to myself that the high school classroom may not be the place for me. I enjoy children's literature far too much to abandon it in favor of the required classics that I have to force myself to read let alone enjoy. I mean seriously...when a supposedly dedicated English major would rather turn to sparknotes more often that actually reading the novels, that should be a sign.

Now that I have come to the realization that I would rather work with an age group where I can concentrate on motivating kids to read for the pure pleasure of it rather that force-feeding them Shakespeare, I have allowed myself to feel even more strongly connected to the books I read as a child. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I started to panic when the thought crossed my mind that I am SO behind in what kids are reading these days. I've been too caught up in figuring out how to get around reading the entire list of required novels for all of my lit classes that I of course had no time to start browsing lists of recommended reading for young adults. Since then, my evenings (and sometimes late nights) have included endless hours of perusing amazon for latest and greatest in adolescent lit. I've also spent a great deal of time searching for the books I once considered my friends. Authors like Beverly Cleary (who I've already discussed at length) Kit Pearson, Margaret Peterson Haddix, Joan Lowry Nixon have been my top priority as I've scrolled through pages of book reviews and plot summaries.

I would love any suggestions from anyone who might be a bit more up to speed with middle school book lists (Briana, I need your help on this one!). I feel like I need to catch up!

Too Tired for Full Sentences

Just got back from a week of traveling up and down the East coast (with 2 babies)....caught a nasty little cold that's trying to take me down...leaving AGAIN to go to Colorado for the next few days...needing SLEEP.

Life Update

It has been a while since I've attempted to update the blog. For whatever reason, I'm having the hardest time writing anything at all, and when I sit down at my computer, I stare at the blank screen for about 10-15 minutes before concluding that it's not even worth it. So I'm trying a different method tonight and actually getting it all down on real paper first. My thoughts seem to come much more freely and without interruption when I'm faced with a forgiving spiral notebook rather than the empty text box that appears on my blogger homepage.

So...life has been both moving in crazy directions and becoming quite stagnant at the same time. Not exactly sure how that works, but I guess I'm talented that way. First and most exciting, is my job this summer. I don't really know how it happened, but I have landed the mother of all nanny gigs. Who knew that celebrities would actually use craigslist to hire domestic help? I mean...it hasn't exactly gotten the greatest publicity recently. Basically, one of John Mellencamp's band members (the lead guitarist) has young kids and needed a nanny who was willing to accompany them during parts of the summer tour. We've been keeping busy in Bloomington so far, but the next few weeks will consist of day trips to see shows in Kentucky and Ohio, and then we're off to the east coast for a bit. It's pretty crazy. I feel like I belong in some kind of chick-lit novel like The Devil Wears Prada--ordinary girl finds herself employed by some famous person and spends her time flying on private planes with superstar celebrities (ok, so I already mentioned the plane thing on facebook once, but I think I have some bragging rights on this one). Thankfully, I'm treated much better than the main character in that particular book/movie. I feel like I'm on of the family, really.

In other news, I've done a fairly good job of learning my way around Bloomington, and I've even gotten the hang of the dreaded one-way streets. It is such an interesting city with the most bizarre combination of people, businesses, and causes. There truly is something for everone and yet I still cannot picture myself living her permenantly. It has always been a vacation destination fo sorts for me...I've been coming here to visit Heather for the past 10 years, and I think the chances are good that I will always be a visitor rather than a resident (although I wouldn't mind taking Avers Pizza back home with me...that stuff is AMAZING!).

What else? I have been trying hard to catch up on my reading list, but I'm afraid it's a losing battle. Right now I'm on a kick where all I want to read are the children's books that so captivated me when I was younger. I know I'm getting a degree in secondary education, but I'm learning that my real passion in its truest form lies in children's literature. At the risk of sounding like a complete dork, there's a scene in You've Got Mail when Meg Ryan's character, the owner of a children's bookstore, passionately declares: "When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity the way no other reading in your life does." I didn't realize until a few days ago that that line had stuck with me so long until I finally saw how much truth it carries. We all know that children are impressionable, and reading a good book at a young age (for me it was any Ramona Quimby book by Beverly Cleary) often leaves a deeper impression than any classic piece of literature that we force older students to read. I can remember almost every detail of Ramona and Her Mother and recount to you all the ways in which I felt that I was just like Ramona Quimby, but it would take a great deal of effort to discuss with that much passion the literature that has been deemed "important" and "worthy" by the literary gurus that us English majors are supposed to love and respect. Why is this? Because Ramona Quimby has become a part of me. I had copies that had been read so many times, the covers were falling off and the pages falling out. I would bury myself into those selfsame pages in order to drown out whatever drama was happening around me, and as a result, I got sucked into her fictional world, pulled in as if I belong with her and her "normal" family rather than my chaotic one. I remember reading books as a 12 or 13-year-old and feeling overwhelmingly relieved to identify with a character who was misunderstood, lonely, or longing to fit more easily into her surroundings. I gobbled them up, absolutely desperate to know that I wasn't the only one. That's why I've returned to some of those old favorites, trying to experience their power and magic once again. And just like that--about 10 minutes ago, in fact--I realized that I might be better suited for middle school. When I really think about it, I've always been drawn to that age group; I've just always had the idea that someone else could do it better. Now I'm starting to wonder...

I had planned on hitting a few more topics before I finished for the night, but my hand is getting cramped from writing, and I'm feeling some Jesus time coming on to help me sort through this newest dilemma. Maybe I've have to include a "Part 2" later on. Wish me luck!

I LOVE My Job!

3 beautiful, well-behaved children + 2 fantastic parents = 1 extremely happy nanny.

These kids are quite possibly the most precious I have yet seen. The baby and toddler are happy and enthusiastic nearly ALL the time...no fussy children in this house! Not only that, but I have somehow managed to gain the favor of a 12-year-old boy...he even taught me 'the secret handshake' my first day on the job and begs me to stay longer or better yet, just not go home at all. I'll spend much of July traveling with the family to a handful of places (mostly east coast) since the dad is a musician and will be on tour for the next 6 weeks.

Yep, life is good!

Battle of the Heart

Every day, we are faced with situations and circumstances that force us to choose between Jesus and the world. Our suffering often threatens to consume us, weakening our spirits and magnifying our difficulties so as to make praising God seem close to impossible. But here is what I have learned...worship--praise--is not only the remedy to our suffering but suffering's harmony. The two go hand and hand, weaving themselves together in a way that lightens the burden, lessens the pain, and brings about a sobering kind of beauty.

Though my heart is broken and my hope shattered, I continue to praise God for Who He is, what He has done, and the promises that He keeps. Paul tells us that the kind of suffering God wants us to endure is the kind that will bring Him glory. I can think of no better way to bring glory to God than to continue to exalt Him and praise His name even in the midst of heartbreak and anguish. So here I am. It's not easy, and my lips don't always have the strength to form words of praise, but my heart is fighting day in and day out to rely completely on His grace and trust in His sovereignty. Though people fail and disappoint us, though promises are broken daily, God's word remains true and His love strong and unfailing. I am clinging to Jesus in desperation, begging Him to salvage some of the broken pieces to create something that pleases Him.

Note to Self

God is good--ALL the time. Even when I'm unemployed...and the month's bills threaten to completely wipe out my bank account. He is faithful. He is sovereign. I have ALL I need according to the riches and glory of Christ Jesus. I am a child of God; He knows how to give good gifts to His children. If He is for me, who can be against me? OVERWHELMING VICTORY is mine through Christ Jesus! He will do exceedingly abundantly over all I could ask or think. I will not worry about anything but pray about everything, telling God what I need and thanking Him for all He has done. I submit myself, my finances, my plans, my desires to Him, trusting in His goodness, grace, and mercy to get me through. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Amen!