3 beautiful, well-behaved children + 2 fantastic parents = 1 extremely happy nanny.
These kids are quite possibly the most precious I have yet seen. The baby and toddler are happy and enthusiastic nearly ALL the time...no fussy children in this house! Not only that, but I have somehow managed to gain the favor of a 12-year-old boy...he even taught me 'the secret handshake' my first day on the job and begs me to stay longer or better yet, just not go home at all. I'll spend much of July traveling with the family to a handful of places (mostly east coast) since the dad is a musician and will be on tour for the next 6 weeks.
Yep, life is good!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Battle of the Heart
Every day, we are faced with situations and circumstances that force us to choose between Jesus and the world. Our suffering often threatens to consume us, weakening our spirits and magnifying our difficulties so as to make praising God seem close to impossible. But here is what I have learned...worship--praise--is not only the remedy to our suffering but suffering's harmony. The two go hand and hand, weaving themselves together in a way that lightens the burden, lessens the pain, and brings about a sobering kind of beauty.
Though my heart is broken and my hope shattered, I continue to praise God for Who He is, what He has done, and the promises that He keeps. Paul tells us that the kind of suffering God wants us to endure is the kind that will bring Him glory. I can think of no better way to bring glory to God than to continue to exalt Him and praise His name even in the midst of heartbreak and anguish. So here I am. It's not easy, and my lips don't always have the strength to form words of praise, but my heart is fighting day in and day out to rely completely on His grace and trust in His sovereignty. Though people fail and disappoint us, though promises are broken daily, God's word remains true and His love strong and unfailing. I am clinging to Jesus in desperation, begging Him to salvage some of the broken pieces to create something that pleases Him.
Though my heart is broken and my hope shattered, I continue to praise God for Who He is, what He has done, and the promises that He keeps. Paul tells us that the kind of suffering God wants us to endure is the kind that will bring Him glory. I can think of no better way to bring glory to God than to continue to exalt Him and praise His name even in the midst of heartbreak and anguish. So here I am. It's not easy, and my lips don't always have the strength to form words of praise, but my heart is fighting day in and day out to rely completely on His grace and trust in His sovereignty. Though people fail and disappoint us, though promises are broken daily, God's word remains true and His love strong and unfailing. I am clinging to Jesus in desperation, begging Him to salvage some of the broken pieces to create something that pleases Him.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Note to Self
God is good--ALL the time. Even when I'm unemployed...and the month's bills threaten to completely wipe out my bank account. He is faithful. He is sovereign. I have ALL I need according to the riches and glory of Christ Jesus. I am a child of God; He knows how to give good gifts to His children. If He is for me, who can be against me? OVERWHELMING VICTORY is mine through Christ Jesus! He will do exceedingly abundantly over all I could ask or think. I will not worry about anything but pray about everything, telling God what I need and thanking Him for all He has done. I submit myself, my finances, my plans, my desires to Him, trusting in His goodness, grace, and mercy to get me through. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Amen!
Amen!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I come from a family of procrastinators. Most of the time, I feel like I just need to catch up on my life. After watching Heather and Doug getting ready to go to Italy, I have decided that this must be a genetic trait. They're leaving at 8 AM tomorrow morning, and they just booked all of the accommodations for their 2-week visit a few hours ago. Now they've moved on to the packing stage, and it's currently 10:45 PM.
Although it has not been the most lucrative summer as of yet, I can at least say that my time in Indiana has been entertaining. I'm looking forward to getting into some kind of routine (hopefully one that involves a JOB), so I can feel slightly productive. So far, my time has been spent helping around the house and helping Heather move out of her classroom, but one job opportunity after the next seems to keep falling through, and I'm getting nervous about how things will pan out over the next month or so. There's really not much I can do at this point except to keep trusting God (which in retrospect, I should have been doing from the beginning), and believe that He is good...ALL the time, no matter the circumstances. If I repeat those words enough times, I start to feel the weight lift off of my shoulders.
Although it has not been the most lucrative summer as of yet, I can at least say that my time in Indiana has been entertaining. I'm looking forward to getting into some kind of routine (hopefully one that involves a JOB), so I can feel slightly productive. So far, my time has been spent helping around the house and helping Heather move out of her classroom, but one job opportunity after the next seems to keep falling through, and I'm getting nervous about how things will pan out over the next month or so. There's really not much I can do at this point except to keep trusting God (which in retrospect, I should have been doing from the beginning), and believe that He is good...ALL the time, no matter the circumstances. If I repeat those words enough times, I start to feel the weight lift off of my shoulders.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Remedy
During an extremely late-night conversation with Allie the other night, she offered the best explanation of apathy that I have ever heard: Apathy is simply "not enough God." Really?! It's that simple? Here I've been thinking that I'm plagued by some rare and incurable disease, when really I'm just running low on the fuel on which my spirit was made to run.
Yes, a wonderfully simple explanation, but the remedy seems to be a bit more complicated. If I know that all I really need is some more quality time with Jesus to bring me out of this place, then why can I not seem to make it a priority, especially with all of this free time on my hands? See, that's the thing about apathy...it seems to fill our shoes with lead, keeping us from taking even the smallest of baby steps that would lead us back to the Father. It clouds our vision and causes our spirits to sleep. It whispers lies to our souls that scare us into a passive state of being, convincing us that to make any effort to become more like Christ and draw near to Him will be rejected, and we will be deemed spiritual failures. So we sit, indifferent to God's movement, presence, plans, and love. If left untreated, this indifference eventually hardens us, breeding bitterness that spreads like poison, arresting our hearts and altering the very foundation of our existence--the knowledge of God's love and our dire need for Him.
Can you tell that I'm becoming pretty familiar with how this works? I'm thankful that, at this point, I have not yet reached that place of bitterness and resentment. Am I actively pursuing God? Up until this moment, I was not.
Hebrews 12:1, a verse that most of us can probably quote backwards and forwards, tells us to "strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up" (NLT). Remember the lead in our shoes that keeps us from moving? We're supposed to GET RID OF IT, not just wait for it to disappear and then complain about how God doesn't "feel close" when we still have not taken any steps towards Him. This requires a conscious decision on our part. While our minds may understand that this needs to happen, I don't believe that our hearts settle on this option automatically, hence its difficulty to carry out.
"...especially the sin that so easily trips us up."
I've always assumed that sin=[obvious] wrong or immoral actions (lying, stealing, lust, etc.), but here's what clicked in my head just the other day. Psalm 138:6 says that God "keeps His distance from the proud." What is apathy if not pride? By remaining passive and choosing to not seek after God, we are essentially saying that we have no true need for Him, and even if we do, He better come to us.
Wow. How differently I see myself and my past struggles now. So what's the remedy to this all together destructive cycle that so easily entangles us? I think it all boils down to choices. In my everyday life, I don't make all of my decisions based upon my feelings. I go to class even when I'm exhausted because I have obligations. I choose to work extra hours because it helps others, not because I feel like getting home a few hours later than planned. Why would I think that my decisions regarding my spiritual relationship should be any different? I do not always feel like I love God or like He loves me, nor do I always feel like my efforts to seek after Him will really bring me any closer to knowing God's true heart. I become trapped by the weight of my emotions (or lack thereof), and I remain still, never daring to take a step toward Him. This is where our choices come in. God asks us to "choose this day whom [we] will serve." Today and every day hereafter, I choose Him...even when I don't feel like it's the best or safest option. In making that choice, I will confess my pride and acknowledge that I have an absolutely desperate need for His love and redemption, an unquenchable thirst that can only be satisfied by His presence in my life.
This is a process, and I can tell you right now that I won't get this right the first time. Do me a favor, and check in on me now and then...ask me how I'm doing. A little accountability can go a long way :)
Yes, a wonderfully simple explanation, but the remedy seems to be a bit more complicated. If I know that all I really need is some more quality time with Jesus to bring me out of this place, then why can I not seem to make it a priority, especially with all of this free time on my hands? See, that's the thing about apathy...it seems to fill our shoes with lead, keeping us from taking even the smallest of baby steps that would lead us back to the Father. It clouds our vision and causes our spirits to sleep. It whispers lies to our souls that scare us into a passive state of being, convincing us that to make any effort to become more like Christ and draw near to Him will be rejected, and we will be deemed spiritual failures. So we sit, indifferent to God's movement, presence, plans, and love. If left untreated, this indifference eventually hardens us, breeding bitterness that spreads like poison, arresting our hearts and altering the very foundation of our existence--the knowledge of God's love and our dire need for Him.
Can you tell that I'm becoming pretty familiar with how this works? I'm thankful that, at this point, I have not yet reached that place of bitterness and resentment. Am I actively pursuing God? Up until this moment, I was not.
Hebrews 12:1, a verse that most of us can probably quote backwards and forwards, tells us to "strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up" (NLT). Remember the lead in our shoes that keeps us from moving? We're supposed to GET RID OF IT, not just wait for it to disappear and then complain about how God doesn't "feel close" when we still have not taken any steps towards Him. This requires a conscious decision on our part. While our minds may understand that this needs to happen, I don't believe that our hearts settle on this option automatically, hence its difficulty to carry out.
"...especially the sin that so easily trips us up."
I've always assumed that sin=[obvious] wrong or immoral actions (lying, stealing, lust, etc.), but here's what clicked in my head just the other day. Psalm 138:6 says that God "keeps His distance from the proud." What is apathy if not pride? By remaining passive and choosing to not seek after God, we are essentially saying that we have no true need for Him, and even if we do, He better come to us.
Wow. How differently I see myself and my past struggles now. So what's the remedy to this all together destructive cycle that so easily entangles us? I think it all boils down to choices. In my everyday life, I don't make all of my decisions based upon my feelings. I go to class even when I'm exhausted because I have obligations. I choose to work extra hours because it helps others, not because I feel like getting home a few hours later than planned. Why would I think that my decisions regarding my spiritual relationship should be any different? I do not always feel like I love God or like He loves me, nor do I always feel like my efforts to seek after Him will really bring me any closer to knowing God's true heart. I become trapped by the weight of my emotions (or lack thereof), and I remain still, never daring to take a step toward Him. This is where our choices come in. God asks us to "choose this day whom [we] will serve." Today and every day hereafter, I choose Him...even when I don't feel like it's the best or safest option. In making that choice, I will confess my pride and acknowledge that I have an absolutely desperate need for His love and redemption, an unquenchable thirst that can only be satisfied by His presence in my life.
This is a process, and I can tell you right now that I won't get this right the first time. Do me a favor, and check in on me now and then...ask me how I'm doing. A little accountability can go a long way :)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Familiar Ground
It's really hard for me to get out of the vacation mindset that I'm in right now. I've been coming to Bloomington to see Heather every summer for the past several years, and it has always been a nice blend of fun activities and good old lounging and relaxation. Now that I'm here, there's not a single part of me that is ready to settle into a routine that includes work and productivity. I just can't believe that I'm not leaving in a few days, and it's so hard for me to picture myself actually living here for the next 3 months. Because of the age difference between me and Heather, it has been about 13 years since we've lived in the same house, so this should be interesting! Add a brother-in-law and 2 dogs the size of small horses, and you're in for some real entertainment. If nothing else, this summer will prove to keep me far from boredom.
But that's not really what's on my mind this evening. I've been dealing with this whole apathy thing for the past couple of weeks, and it really does not sit well with me. How quickly I forget God's goodness and the joy and peace He brings when we choose to trust in His faithfulness. But that's the thing...that choice does not always bring about good feelings. Sometimes it brings no feeling at all, which is where I am at this present moment. You know, it sounded great for me to say I was consciously choosing to remain joyful in all things, and for a while it felt great too. But eventually, good feelings fade away, and we're left with the task of following through without the help of the emotional high that we had in the first place. The part of me that is so deeply ensnared in summer vacation mode wants nothing to do with any kind of work, choices, or productivity, all things necessary to maintain a healthy relationship with Jesus. My stomach actually clenches at the thought of trying to work at drawing closer to God. There's a feeling of dread and anxiety that keeps me rooted to this very spot, not wanting to make any sudden movement for fear of realizing that I can't really get to the place I want to be.
I've been here before. This is the cycle that my spiritual life has been running for the past several years now. Time and time again God presents me with this opportunity to choose Him in spite of my feelings or lack thereof. Sometimes I respond more harshly than others, convinced that God dwells in my emotions rather than my heart. I push away from Him, thinking that He chooses to remain distant from me and me alone. Other times, I stay in this apathetic state, in which I simply ignore anything having to do with spiritual growth. Neither one of these options has served me well over the years. By now, I know the drill, and I know that if I allow myself to go back to that place of apathy or resentment, I will be back at square one. All of the work Jesus has done on my heart over the past couple of months will be undone. I know this, so why am I so hesitant to take another step toward Him? As well as I know myself and how I will react in certain situations, there are times when I just don't understand why I am this way. What is it that keeps me bound to this same place?
In keeping with the current spirit of summer, I'm too tired to try to figure it out tonight. I'm hoping that some quality time with Jesus (which I haven't had in quite a while) will help me to break out of this apathetic state and joyfully choose His redemption and love.
But that's not really what's on my mind this evening. I've been dealing with this whole apathy thing for the past couple of weeks, and it really does not sit well with me. How quickly I forget God's goodness and the joy and peace He brings when we choose to trust in His faithfulness. But that's the thing...that choice does not always bring about good feelings. Sometimes it brings no feeling at all, which is where I am at this present moment. You know, it sounded great for me to say I was consciously choosing to remain joyful in all things, and for a while it felt great too. But eventually, good feelings fade away, and we're left with the task of following through without the help of the emotional high that we had in the first place. The part of me that is so deeply ensnared in summer vacation mode wants nothing to do with any kind of work, choices, or productivity, all things necessary to maintain a healthy relationship with Jesus. My stomach actually clenches at the thought of trying to work at drawing closer to God. There's a feeling of dread and anxiety that keeps me rooted to this very spot, not wanting to make any sudden movement for fear of realizing that I can't really get to the place I want to be.
I've been here before. This is the cycle that my spiritual life has been running for the past several years now. Time and time again God presents me with this opportunity to choose Him in spite of my feelings or lack thereof. Sometimes I respond more harshly than others, convinced that God dwells in my emotions rather than my heart. I push away from Him, thinking that He chooses to remain distant from me and me alone. Other times, I stay in this apathetic state, in which I simply ignore anything having to do with spiritual growth. Neither one of these options has served me well over the years. By now, I know the drill, and I know that if I allow myself to go back to that place of apathy or resentment, I will be back at square one. All of the work Jesus has done on my heart over the past couple of months will be undone. I know this, so why am I so hesitant to take another step toward Him? As well as I know myself and how I will react in certain situations, there are times when I just don't understand why I am this way. What is it that keeps me bound to this same place?
In keeping with the current spirit of summer, I'm too tired to try to figure it out tonight. I'm hoping that some quality time with Jesus (which I haven't had in quite a while) will help me to break out of this apathetic state and joyfully choose His redemption and love.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I feel like a grown-up. Today I moved everything out of my first apartment into my first storage unit, using my first u-haul :) I'm sore and completely exhausted, but I'm thrilled at the thought of this next apartment, spending my senior year with 2 girls that I absolutely adore!
Speaking of senior year...wow, it's coming fast! I'm trying to block out the fact that a year from now, I'll be looking for a "real job" as a high school English teacher. Doubts assault me as I draw closer to life as a full-fledged adult. I'm starting to wonder if I should really be in a position to teach these kids the skills they'll need to succeed. I still feel too young, too inexperienced, too inadequate. As the baby of the family, I suffer from youngest-child-syndrome. No matter how old I get (OK, so 20 isn't exactly ancient, but I'm not 5 anymore), I always feel slightly insecure about what I'm able to accomplish. In my mind, I'm still the baby, still the one that needs to prove herself, and still the one who will forever be looked down upon in the very loving and non-judgmental way that only family members can get away with. I hear from my family all the time, "I can't believer you're old enough to...[fill in the blank]." It's a perfectly legitimate statement. I can't believe it myself. It seems like yesterday that I was trying to decide what college I should apply to, and now I'm on the brink of completing my bachelors degree. Where does the time go? And where's all of that experience that I'm supposed to get from going to "the best teaching school in the southeast" ?
I started writing this post a couple of days ago when I was in the Charlotte airport awaiting my flight to Indiana, and I have since spent the day volunteering in Heather's class of 4th and 5th grade students. It inspired me to see the community she had created for these kids, most of whom probably never see as much stability in their own families. That short visit helped me to see that 1) I KNOW that I was not meant to teach elementary school and 2) the lofty dreams and aspirations I have had of inspiring, encouraging, and supporting kids to be life-long learners really is possible. Once upon a time, I could say with steadfast assurance that this is the career I was made for and that I was completely confident in my ability to do my job well. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm beginning to realize that I can accomplish absolutely nothing of any significance on my own. Only Jesus moving in and through me can make purpose or meaning out of my pathetic attempts to influence, inspire, or cause change. In my greatest times of doubts, I've been pushed into the arms of the Father. That is where I will find peace, strength, and purpose to do whatever job He sees fit to give me.
Speaking of senior year...wow, it's coming fast! I'm trying to block out the fact that a year from now, I'll be looking for a "real job" as a high school English teacher. Doubts assault me as I draw closer to life as a full-fledged adult. I'm starting to wonder if I should really be in a position to teach these kids the skills they'll need to succeed. I still feel too young, too inexperienced, too inadequate. As the baby of the family, I suffer from youngest-child-syndrome. No matter how old I get (OK, so 20 isn't exactly ancient, but I'm not 5 anymore), I always feel slightly insecure about what I'm able to accomplish. In my mind, I'm still the baby, still the one that needs to prove herself, and still the one who will forever be looked down upon in the very loving and non-judgmental way that only family members can get away with. I hear from my family all the time, "I can't believer you're old enough to...[fill in the blank]." It's a perfectly legitimate statement. I can't believe it myself. It seems like yesterday that I was trying to decide what college I should apply to, and now I'm on the brink of completing my bachelors degree. Where does the time go? And where's all of that experience that I'm supposed to get from going to "the best teaching school in the southeast" ?
I started writing this post a couple of days ago when I was in the Charlotte airport awaiting my flight to Indiana, and I have since spent the day volunteering in Heather's class of 4th and 5th grade students. It inspired me to see the community she had created for these kids, most of whom probably never see as much stability in their own families. That short visit helped me to see that 1) I KNOW that I was not meant to teach elementary school and 2) the lofty dreams and aspirations I have had of inspiring, encouraging, and supporting kids to be life-long learners really is possible. Once upon a time, I could say with steadfast assurance that this is the career I was made for and that I was completely confident in my ability to do my job well. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm beginning to realize that I can accomplish absolutely nothing of any significance on my own. Only Jesus moving in and through me can make purpose or meaning out of my pathetic attempts to influence, inspire, or cause change. In my greatest times of doubts, I've been pushed into the arms of the Father. That is where I will find peace, strength, and purpose to do whatever job He sees fit to give me.
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