I come from a family of procrastinators. Most of the time, I feel like I just need to catch up on my life. After watching Heather and Doug getting ready to go to Italy, I have decided that this must be a genetic trait. They're leaving at 8 AM tomorrow morning, and they just booked all of the accommodations for their 2-week visit a few hours ago. Now they've moved on to the packing stage, and it's currently 10:45 PM.

Although it has not been the most lucrative summer as of yet, I can at least say that my time in Indiana has been entertaining. I'm looking forward to getting into some kind of routine (hopefully one that involves a JOB), so I can feel slightly productive. So far, my time has been spent helping around the house and helping Heather move out of her classroom, but one job opportunity after the next seems to keep falling through, and I'm getting nervous about how things will pan out over the next month or so. There's really not much I can do at this point except to keep trusting God (which in retrospect, I should have been doing from the beginning), and believe that He is good...ALL the time, no matter the circumstances. If I repeat those words enough times, I start to feel the weight lift off of my shoulders.

The Remedy

During an extremely late-night conversation with Allie the other night, she offered the best explanation of apathy that I have ever heard: Apathy is simply "not enough God." Really?! It's that simple? Here I've been thinking that I'm plagued by some rare and incurable disease, when really I'm just running low on the fuel on which my spirit was made to run.

Yes, a wonderfully simple explanation, but the remedy seems to be a bit more complicated. If I know that all I really need is some more quality time with Jesus to bring me out of this place, then why can I not seem to make it a priority, especially with all of this free time on my hands? See, that's the thing about apathy...it seems to fill our shoes with lead, keeping us from taking even the smallest of baby steps that would lead us back to the Father. It clouds our vision and causes our spirits to sleep. It whispers lies to our souls that scare us into a passive state of being, convincing us that to make any effort to become more like Christ and draw near to Him will be rejected, and we will be deemed spiritual failures. So we sit, indifferent to God's movement, presence, plans, and love. If left untreated, this indifference eventually hardens us, breeding bitterness that spreads like poison, arresting our hearts and altering the very foundation of our existence--the knowledge of God's love and our dire need for Him.

Can you tell that I'm becoming pretty familiar with how this works? I'm thankful that, at this point, I have not yet reached that place of bitterness and resentment. Am I actively pursuing God? Up until this moment, I was not.

Hebrews 12:1, a verse that most of us can probably quote backwards and forwards, tells us to "strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up" (NLT). Remember the lead in our shoes that keeps us from moving? We're supposed to GET RID OF IT, not just wait for it to disappear and then complain about how God doesn't "feel close" when we still have not taken any steps towards Him. This requires a conscious decision on our part. While our minds may understand that this needs to happen, I don't believe that our hearts settle on this option automatically, hence its difficulty to carry out.

"...especially the sin that so easily trips us up."
I've always assumed that sin=[obvious] wrong or immoral actions (lying, stealing, lust, etc.), but here's what clicked in my head just the other day. Psalm 138:6 says that God "keeps His distance from the proud." What is apathy if not pride? By remaining passive and choosing to not seek after God, we are essentially saying that we have no true need for Him, and even if we do, He better come to us.

Wow. How differently I see myself and my past struggles now. So what's the remedy to this all together destructive cycle that so easily entangles us? I think it all boils down to choices. In my everyday life, I don't make all of my decisions based upon my feelings. I go to class even when I'm exhausted because I have obligations. I choose to work extra hours because it helps others, not because I feel like getting home a few hours later than planned. Why would I think that my decisions regarding my spiritual relationship should be any different? I do not always feel like I love God or like He loves me, nor do I always feel like my efforts to seek after Him will really bring me any closer to knowing God's true heart. I become trapped by the weight of my emotions (or lack thereof), and I remain still, never daring to take a step toward Him. This is where our choices come in. God asks us to "choose this day whom [we] will serve." Today and every day hereafter, I choose Him...even when I don't feel like it's the best or safest option. In making that choice, I will confess my pride and acknowledge that I have an absolutely desperate need for His love and redemption, an unquenchable thirst that can only be satisfied by His presence in my life.

This is a process, and I can tell you right now that I won't get this right the first time. Do me a favor, and check in on me now and then...ask me how I'm doing. A little accountability can go a long way :)

Familiar Ground

It's really hard for me to get out of the vacation mindset that I'm in right now. I've been coming to Bloomington to see Heather every summer for the past several years, and it has always been a nice blend of fun activities and good old lounging and relaxation. Now that I'm here, there's not a single part of me that is ready to settle into a routine that includes work and productivity. I just can't believe that I'm not leaving in a few days, and it's so hard for me to picture myself actually living here for the next 3 months. Because of the age difference between me and Heather, it has been about 13 years since we've lived in the same house, so this should be interesting! Add a brother-in-law and 2 dogs the size of small horses, and you're in for some real entertainment. If nothing else, this summer will prove to keep me far from boredom.

But that's not really what's on my mind this evening. I've been dealing with this whole apathy thing for the past couple of weeks, and it really does not sit well with me. How quickly I forget God's goodness and the joy and peace He brings when we choose to trust in His faithfulness. But that's the thing...that choice does not always bring about good feelings. Sometimes it brings no feeling at all, which is where I am at this present moment. You know, it sounded great for me to say I was consciously choosing to remain joyful in all things, and for a while it felt great too. But eventually, good feelings fade away, and we're left with the task of following through without the help of the emotional high that we had in the first place. The part of me that is so deeply ensnared in summer vacation mode wants nothing to do with any kind of work, choices, or productivity, all things necessary to maintain a healthy relationship with Jesus. My stomach actually clenches at the thought of trying to work at drawing closer to God. There's a feeling of dread and anxiety that keeps me rooted to this very spot, not wanting to make any sudden movement for fear of realizing that I can't really get to the place I want to be.

I've been here before. This is the cycle that my spiritual life has been running for the past several years now. Time and time again God presents me with this opportunity to choose Him in spite of my feelings or lack thereof. Sometimes I respond more harshly than others, convinced that God dwells in my emotions rather than my heart. I push away from Him, thinking that He chooses to remain distant from me and me alone. Other times, I stay in this apathetic state, in which I simply ignore anything having to do with spiritual growth. Neither one of these options has served me well over the years. By now, I know the drill, and I know that if I allow myself to go back to that place of apathy or resentment, I will be back at square one. All of the work Jesus has done on my heart over the past couple of months will be undone. I know this, so why am I so hesitant to take another step toward Him? As well as I know myself and how I will react in certain situations, there are times when I just don't understand why I am this way. What is it that keeps me bound to this same place?

In keeping with the current spirit of summer, I'm too tired to try to figure it out tonight. I'm hoping that some quality time with Jesus (which I haven't had in quite a while) will help me to break out of this apathetic state and joyfully choose His redemption and love.

I feel like a grown-up. Today I moved everything out of my first apartment into my first storage unit, using my first u-haul :) I'm sore and completely exhausted, but I'm thrilled at the thought of this next apartment, spending my senior year with 2 girls that I absolutely adore!

Speaking of senior year...wow, it's coming fast! I'm trying to block out the fact that a year from now, I'll be looking for a "real job" as a high school English teacher. Doubts assault me as I draw closer to life as a full-fledged adult. I'm starting to wonder if I should really be in a position to teach these kids the skills they'll need to succeed. I still feel too young, too inexperienced, too inadequate. As the baby of the family, I suffer from youngest-child-syndrome. No matter how old I get (OK, so 20 isn't exactly ancient, but I'm not 5 anymore), I always feel slightly insecure about what I'm able to accomplish. In my mind, I'm still the baby, still the one that needs to prove herself, and still the one who will forever be looked down upon in the very loving and non-judgmental way that only family members can get away with. I hear from my family all the time, "I can't believer you're old enough to...[fill in the blank]." It's a perfectly legitimate statement. I can't believe it myself. It seems like yesterday that I was trying to decide what college I should apply to, and now I'm on the brink of completing my bachelors degree. Where does the time go? And where's all of that experience that I'm supposed to get from going to "the best teaching school in the southeast" ?

I started writing this post a couple of days ago when I was in the Charlotte airport awaiting my flight to Indiana, and I have since spent the day volunteering in Heather's class of 4th and 5th grade students. It inspired me to see the community she had created for these kids, most of whom probably never see as much stability in their own families. That short visit helped me to see that 1) I KNOW that I was not meant to teach elementary school and 2) the lofty dreams and aspirations I have had of inspiring, encouraging, and supporting kids to be life-long learners really is possible. Once upon a time, I could say with steadfast assurance that this is the career I was made for and that I was completely confident in my ability to do my job well. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm beginning to realize that I can accomplish absolutely nothing of any significance on my own. Only Jesus moving in and through me can make purpose or meaning out of my pathetic attempts to influence, inspire, or cause change. In my greatest times of doubts, I've been pushed into the arms of the Father. That is where I will find peace, strength, and purpose to do whatever job He sees fit to give me.

He Says It Better Than I Can

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

A PSALM OF LIFE

WHAT THE HEART OF THE YOUNG MAN
SAID TO THE PSALMIST

TELL me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream ! —
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real ! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal ;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way ;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle !
Be a hero in the strife !

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant !
Let the dead Past bury its dead !
Act,— act in the living Present !
Heart within, and God o'erhead !

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate ;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

I stumbled upon this poem when I was flipping through one of my literature books in high school, and it has been a favorite ever since. Yes, it's simple and doesn't require much need for the analysis that most English majors seem to crave. It's almost painfully straightforward but never fails to give me a wake-up call. Honestly, I don't have much to add--I think he sums it up pretty well.

If Only I Could Go Back...

For whatever reason--possibly the overwhelming boredom that comes from completely yet another ridiculously stressful semester--I've found myself thinking about my week in Paris, desperately wishing that I could return. I'm not looking for a follow-up trip to do everything that we couldn't manage to squeeze in while we were there. I don't want to go by myself, with family, close friends, or with a different group of people. I want to recreate my very first Paris experience. While I was actually there, I was completely exhausted. My body didn't know how to handle the time change or the sudden (and dramatic) increase in activity, and it didn't respond very well. Every night, I would limp back to the hotel room and fall into bed dreading the wake-up call we would be receiving at 6:45 the next morning. Of course I was mildly excited by the prospects of seeing the Louvre or going to the top of the Eiffel Tower, but I was not physically able to handle everything that we did on any given day. Needless to day, the experiences that should have been overwhelming and powerful were slightly dampened by my exhaustion. Even so, after everything that has happened in the past 2 months, I look back on my time in Paris as an escape from the reality I didn't know I was about to face. I know that sounds horribly dramatic, but seriously...I thought that taking a "10-minute-walk" (in European time, that is...you just had to be there) through the city was so terribly taxing, and I couldn't wait to be once again surrounded by the familiar calm of my little life in Rock Hill, SC. Oh, what I didn't know then! I had no clue that not only my comfort level but my sanity was headed for a downward spiral as soon as that plane touched down in Charlotte. I did not truly know exhaustion until I was simultaneously trying to finish out my toughest semester yet and hold myself together through 1 or 2 personal crises. So yes, I have found myself longing for Paris more frequently in the past weeks.

I was looking through some of my pictures, and when I came across this one, I just had to stop and stare at it for a few minutes. Of everything we saw and experienced--Versailles, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the museums, the street performers, the opera houses, the designer shops on every corner, even Hemingway's cafe--this one night has to be my favorite. I believe that this photo was taken on the same night that we had gone to the Eiffel Tower as a group. By the time we got back to the Bastille where our hotel was, it was probably 10 PM, and Nicole and I were desperately seeking food. The four of us ended up at this little cafe where they so graciously provided us with English menus and tried to hide their astonishment that we would have the dinner and dessert course (fruit salad) brought out at the same time. This is where Ethan and Nicole tried escargot, although I was not nearly that brave, and where Allie and Ethan got into quite the philosophical and spiritual debate while Nicole and I were probably talking about Disney movies, coffee, puppies, or something else of very little significance. We laughed until we cried and watched time unfold ever so slowly. We stayed until we noticed that the entire restaurant was literally closing around us. The chairs were put up on every other table, and our waitress was working hard cleaning circles around us, but she never once indicated that we needed to leave. I think we finally dragged ourselves away at about midnight, not wanting to end our evening.

It's so hard for me to explain why this particular night meant so much to me, why this one picture stands out above the hundreds of others I took. Perhaps it has something to do with the realization that my decision to go to Paris with a group of people who were practically strangers was probably one of the best decisions I have made yet. I had no idea what I was missing out on by keeping myself so distant from anything that may be uncomfortable. I didn't know that I had the social capacity to make friends so quickly or enjoy myself so thoroughly. For the most part, I'm one who typically sticks pretty close to home, but thank God I ventured out this once. I honestly cannot imagine what life would be like now without the friendships that were formed on that trip. God only knows that I desperately needed them to get me through the next weeks post-Paris. So as completely desperate as I feel right now to go set up camp in that little cafe and stay for the next few months, I'm looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be...perhaps my upcoming stay in Indiana for the summer. God does seem to have a way of working incredible good out of chaotic or less than comfortable situations.

Confessions

After reading a facebook survey titled, "Your Literary Biography" with questions about all of the wonderful works of literature that I should have read by now, I feel that it's time to confess that I am not the English major that I should be. Don't judge.

1) My favorite books are those Dr. Bickford has affectionately deemed "Beach Reads."
2) I hardly ever read non-fiction
3) I can count on 1 hand all the times that I have actually read a novel from beginning to end for a class without the help of sparknotes.
4) I very rarely sit and read literature on my own time without the prompting of a class assignment.
5) I prefer the writing side of my major, although I don't think I could write fiction no matter how hard I tried.
6) I have never read Huck Finn, The Scarlet Letter, Pride and Prejudice, Of Mice and Men, Lord of the Flies, or numerous others that I really should have read by now.
7) Every once in a while, I get the urge to start explicating poetry, but I am completely paralyzed whenever this occurs in a class setting...too many fears of "getting it wrong."
8) I used to love literature before I became an English major...I prefer to look at lit. in terms of of how it affects real people's lives rather than what literary approach we can use to analyze it.
9) I would rather diagram a sentence than read a good novel...I'm totally serious.
10) I am the most literal reader alive...God help the students who will be learning about symbolism from me.

OK, seriously now...there have been too many times this semester when I would look around at my fellow English majors and feel ridiculously inadequate compared to their love of literature and their ability to make meaning out of the most minuscule details. I don't know how often I questioned my place in those classrooms, but I know that I this past semester has definitely been a time of doubt for me. And then I think about being in the high school classroom, surrounded by teenagers who don't care about school, don't care about reading or writing, who think that we (teachers) could care less about who they really are or what they want out of life, and it THRILLS me to think of sweeping in and defying all of their expectations. Do I think that this will come easily? Absolutely not! But there's almost nothing in the world worth more than seeing the light bulb come on in the eyes of a 15-year-old boy who has never before seen how literature can be relevant to our present-day struggles or a 17-year-old girl who has just discovered how to express her heart through writing. I can't imagine a greater satisfaction than that of knowing that I have helped to shape minds, encouraging them, guiding them, and challenging them to look beyond themselves and move through life serving others.

That's what I'm here for. I'm not spending my days here at Winthrop learning how to analyze literature effectively. My time in these classes is merely a stepping stone, preparing me to enter into the classroom and provide kids with the compassion, validation, and tough love that they so desperately need. For now, I will forget about the fact that I will most likely be mistaken for one of the students...or that I daily struggle with my own inadequacies as a student and person, fearing that I won't be able to do enough to make a difference in the lives of these kids. For now, I'll do all that I know how to do, and that is to trust in Jesus to fulfill the purpose that He has given me.