And the answer is...YES!

I was flipping through one of my notebooks that is a mishmash of grocery lists, lesson plans, and random journal entries and I came across something I wrote as last semester was coming to an end and I was desperately trying to muster up some strength and motivation to start all over again...

 Too many thoughts and feelings are coursing through my mind right now. I am struggling to find a purpose, some sense of reason that explains why I am attempting what seems to be an impossible task.


  I go back and forth between these three overarching thoughts:
      "It's the kids I teach and their lack of interest that make this whole thing pointless."
      "It's the logistics of it all--rules, policies, etc.--that make it impossible to accomplish anything of any real value."
      "I just don't know what I'm doing. Somewhere along the line, I chose the wrong profession."


Such negativity, such hopelessness and cynicism...and yet, they share equal space in my brain. As soon as I work hard to defeat one of these life-draining, motivation-sucking statements, another one looms, eager to take its rightful place at the forefront of my mind. It sometimes makes me wonder, what right do I have to progress, impact, victories, lasting change? The whole world has been hemming and hawing about the failures of public education for decades; why should I think that I can "defeat the system"? 


So maybe I can't inspire a revolution in the education world. What if I never have that "breakthrough moment" with a class (scenes from Freedom Writers are coming to mind)? What if the only thing that ever goes right is one kid opening themselves up to "the light" so to speak...learning responsibility, discovering a book they love, writing a poem they are proud of...


One student.
Is it worth it? 

Makes me Smile :)

So...it's been a long time. I got some "teacher evaluations" back from my kids today. The last few days have just been random filler activities as we await the official end of Fall semester. That being said, some of them took this little evaluation seriously, some did not, and a few chose to add their own comments. These are the ones that made me smile and gave me just the tiniest bit of affirmation.

"Your enthusiasm is awesome and not only do you have concerns about our everyday school work, you help us with everyday problems...thanks."

"I believe you try hard to be a good teacher."

"I learned how to express myself in my writing." (I almost jumped up and down when I read this one!)

"I love how your sense of humor mixes in with the lessons everyday!"

"I have enjoyed being in your class and will miss you and your warm heart and attitude."

And finally a simple...

"I have enjoyed your class this semester and have learned a lot!"

So maybe this semester wasn't what I imagined it would be. Maybe the level of chaos surpassed any that I could have imagined. And maybe I didn't handle any of the stress or disappointment like I thought I would. Perhaps I wasn't the "model teacher" every day, and maybe there were a few times when I let my unadulterated frustration, anger, and annoyance come through...just a little. ;-) But there were good moments. too. Having a kid tell me that she learned how to express her feelings in writing is a pretty huge victory in my eyes. Watching my sophomores experience books in a way that they had never experienced before (like--gasp!--actually enjoying a novel so much that they read the whole thing!) wasn't too bad either. And maybe having that one-on-one conversation with a kid when he finally starts to believe me when I say "You can do more because you're better than that" was a high point too.

It wasn't perfect. In fact, I think this is the farthest I have EVER been from perfect. But it's funny how my eyes are just now being opened to some of those "small victories" that I wasn't capable of seeing while I was living in the midst of the craziness. I'm just praying that Jesus keeps giving me eyes to see, because come next Tuesday, I'm headed for another semester of craziness. :)