Sunday, July 18, 2010

Day 1

What can you accomplish when you're not constantly on the computer? Turns out a lot, actually. No facebook = finishing two books, starting another, getting in touch with apartment properties about moving in August, washing windows, initiating an all out war against accumulating dog hair, doing laundry, cooking dinner, exercising, etc.  More importantly, I feel SO much better today--not nearly as tired and lethargic as I am after spending so many hours behind the computer screen. 

Something I'm starting to notice is how very little self-control I have, whether it's concerning how I use my time, what I eat, what I spend, etc, and I think that's something God is really working on at the moment. We know all too well that He only trusts us with the big things if we can be faithful with the little things, so why would this be any different? Maybe it's just the fear of losing some of my "power" that is, the nice little rush that I get when I tell myself that it's my life, my body, my money, my time...blah blah blah that causes me to lack so much follow through. If I can't keep up with something when it gets hard (can anyone say diet plan??), then I just mask that failure with an air of self-confidence: "I don't need to be a size ___ to be happy." And that statement in and of itself might be true, but the motivation behind it is far from liberating. So...one goal at a time, I'm working through it. This week it's facebook. Next week it might be diet and exercise, and--let's face it--I'm always being forced to work on controlling my finances. So far, so good...we'll see how the rest of the week goes! 

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Facebook Vacation

Yep. Just a short one, though. I don't think I could commit to any longer than a week. Here's the thing: I think so many hours of staring at the facebook homepage has been seriously detrimental to my motivation. Facebook isn't the only culprit, but it's certainly the biggest. I don't read because my multi-tasking skills are not sophisticated enough to include reading and actively checking FB at the same time. I don't write because I can only make it through a paragraph before making my way to a computer to check for updates. I can't even have some quite prayer time without checking my email. The first thing I do when I  walk through the door after work is grab my computer and get online. And that's where I stay. What I had originally considered to be a "down time"...something that's supposed to be relaxing, is making me irritable, impatient, and even more inactive than I already am. While I can't give up the internet all together (like it or not, email has become the prevalent form of communication for me), I'll say goodbye to facebook for a little while and see what it feels like. It's kind of like detox plan...you go on some crazy restrictive diet to jump start weight loss, and by the time you go off it, you no longer crave the junk as often. That is, if you can follow through. So here's to getting off the couch and doing something productive with the remainder of my summer.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Never Say Never

...because it will come back to bite you. I've recently been recalling conversations I had with others (or sometimes with myself) in which I've adamantly claimed that I will never....(fill in the blank).

"I wouldn't ever want to be an English teacher because then I'd have to learn all that grammar and stuff, and I hate that!"--Age 13

"This is sooo stupid! Why do I have to learn math?! I'll never need it!"--Age...well...probably from 10-17

In response to hearing Heather's passionate philosophies of education: "I'm never going to be quite as crazy as she is..." Age 14-18

And most recently: "I am NEVER going back to the lowcountry...I've had enough of that part of the state, and I want nothing more to do with it." Age 21

These statements came flooding back to my mind one-by-one yesterday afternoon as I made my way home from a day of tutoring elementary students in the math I was always so desperate to avoid. They continued to assault me as I chatted with a friend about the upcoming school year and how I'm planning for my first year as an English teacher, what literature I'm going to cover and how I'll fit in that grammar instruction that I've come to love so much. They stayed close by while I wrote out my own philosophies and beliefs about my classroom which are strangely close to my sister's...and they hit me full force as I searched for apartments in Charleston, aka: the Lowcountry. 


Never say never. It gives God an opportunity to see how serious you are.



Monday, May 24, 2010

My God SHALL supply!

I'm tempted to write an extremely long narrative about this one, but here's the long and short of it:

I'm unemployed...have been for a while now, and job prospects have been looking pretty bleak. After playing the waiting game for several long weeks, it looks like I'm going to have the opportunity to go back to Bloomington for the summer doing something I LOVE that will also be a fantastic resume booster (and pay pretty well too) while giving me the flexibility to take last minute trips to SC if a school district calls for an interview. Not long after making up my mind that this is where God wants me for the summer, my car (I should have been expecting this) dies yet again. I won't lie. I had a period of brief hysteria there for a little while when I looked at my upcoming bills--along with the car repair--and looked at the amount in my checking account and saw a sizable gap between the two. At that point, I realized that the only thing I could do, my one and only option, was to cry out to my Father and ask for His help. I had no back up plan, no resources, no alternative options in case He didn't come through...this was my chance to see Him provide for my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19), and provide He did!

Long story short, my car's bad alternator was still covered under warranty, the towing expenses were covered under our insurance, the mechanic threw in the 2 hours of labor for free, AND a rather large tax refund came in the mail...all within a few hours of each other. What could have been a huge road block and source of stress was resolved within hours. Not only does Jesus love me enough to care for the details of my life, but His plans for me are big enough that He wants nothing to stand in their way! Thank You, Father for providing supernaturally for my needs!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sweet Surrender

I began writing this post 2 nights ago in a somewhat fruitless attempt to relieve a WHOLE lot of pent up frustration and anxiety regarding my job search. This is how it started...

I'm beginning to worry about myself. Graduation looms, and I'm unemployed with absolutely zero job prospects. I know it's still early as far as teaching jobs go...I've been told over and over that most teachers get hired in the middle of the summer or right before the school year starts. But here's the thing...I'm really really bad at waiting. What's worse, I have absolutely nothing to occupy my time except applying for non-existent jobs and worrying about what will happen if I don't get any interviews. So that's what I've been doing with my time off--checking my email obsessively and never going beyond hearing distance of my phone. I realize that this post-graduation panic is probably normal, but mine had developed into a bit of hysteria, I think. Thoughts of jobs (or lack thereof) consume just about every waking moment of my day.

And when I said "every waking moment," I meant that literally...I worried and stressed and fretted to the point where I was making myself sick. I'm not going to lie...I get stressed out about things now and again, but my behavior was so extreme, I almost didn't recognize myself. Later that night, I sat down with a notebook and a Bible, hoping that Jesus would have something to say. After spending a few minutes reiterating how nervous I was about my lack of job prospects, I realized that my horribly negative attitude and anxious heart were not obeying the Word. These feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness were not coming from God...you might say they were a direct attack from one whose only purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)...aka: the father of lies (John 8:44).

Even with this realization, I still contemplated staying where I was, believing the lies (which can sometimes be so cleverly disguised as "reality" or "logic") I was being told, simply because I was too tired to fight them. But God in His infinite grace and mercy gave me the strength to lift myself up off of my bedroom floor and start walking in FAITH. Though my eyes were heavy, my heart weak, and my words soft, I found myself fighting for Truth, proclaiming God's Word over my life:
God's will for me is good; He is not holding out on me.
I walk by faith and not by sight.
God fulfills His promises, showing compassion to those He loves.
He is my provider, my Father, my rescuer.
I find strength and rest in God alone..He is my fortress, and I will never be shaken.
Jesus is the author and perfecter of my faith.
I woke up the next morning exhausted, feeling like I had indeed been fighting some kind of battle, but you know what? I was breathing more easily. I was able to praise God for His continuous grace, knowing that He is working in ways I still cannot see. And you want to know something else? There was an email from a school district waiting in my inbox, letting me know that they had received my application and I was being considered for a position. A few hours later, I got another email from a family looking for a summer nanny...

In a few brief moments of surrender, God completely took care of one of my worries (the summer job) and alleviated the stress and anxiety of the other (the big girl job). I'm so thankful that He doesn't expect me to run my own life because when I'm left to my own devices, I'm really not that great at it.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Home!

It's not surprise that the minute I return to Indiana for a short visit, I resolve to start writing again. I'm really not sure what it is about this place that pushes me to turn thoughts into words, but it is inevitable.

My long-awaited Spring break has finally come, so here I am. I realized today that Bloomington is becoming less and less a "vacation spot" for me and becoming more like home each time I visit. This isn't the place I come to be entertained, to visit tourist hot-spots (does Indiana really have any of those anyway?), or do much of anything at all...this is where I come when I want to relax, do laundry, eat good food, spend all day reading a good book, browse the library book store, drink endless cups of coffee, and watch Glee marathons with Heather and Doug. It has become so normal, so natural for me to be here. I walked in the door yesterday evening after an extremely long drive (about 12 hours this time) and had to mentally re-adjust to the fact that I would indeed be leaving in 3 days, not staying for the entire summer. Even so, I have the best of both worlds, really. I love Bloomington...I love spending time with Heather and Doug and the crazy puppies...I love wasting away the days doing everything and nothing, but Rock Hill seems to be a better fit as far as my "real life" is concerned. What I love the most is that I can switch so seamlessly between the two...both places are home :)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Thanks to Max Lucado and his book It's Not About Me, I've learned some pretty awesome stuff over the past few days:

God is good! And you want to know something amazingly refreshing? His goodness, faithfulness, love, grace, holiness...has NOTHING to do with me. Not that I'm not benefited and blessed by all of those things, that's not what I mean to say at all. But the character of God does not depend on me, nor does it revolve around me. I know we all trick ourselves into believing that we're really not selfish individuals, that we have come to the realization that life isn't just about us but it's about helping others. But my goodness...when you are able to come to a place where you understand that absolutely nothing about you or your circumstances have any significance other than to reflect God's glory, it will be life-changing. Because here's the thing: living out our one and only purpose of promoting God and His goodness is not a demotion from where we thought we should dwell. By demanding that all of our attention remain focused on Him, God is not promoting Himself simply for the sake of self-promotion but rather to drown us in Light, to show us His ways so that He can rescue us. And when we reflect Him, our hearts are tuned to His, and we are changed. Our words turn from complaints and worries to praise and adoration. His Word says that He inhabits the praises of His people. When our focus shifts from us to Him and we find ourselves blessing His name, we grow closer to the Father. Pretty cool, huh?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Useful Stuff

Just a couple of sites I've found that might just help me achieve some of these New Year's resolutions:

I've decided to try using the food diary again to make me more aware of what I'm putting into my mouth every day...

Heather introduced me to this extremely user-friendly website that helps you set up and track goals.

And finally, my newest adventure is this website stickK that allows you to set up commitment contracts with yourself (weight loss, procrastination, exercise, you name it) and then set up penalties if you do not progress toward that goal each week. For example, let's pretend your goal is to exercise more. You can create a contract with yourself saying that you must exercise 5 times a week or else you will have to donate money (you specify the amount) to a charity that you strongly oppose. There's some motivation for you. For those of you who may be tempted to give yourself a little extra padding and fluff the numbers on the day that you record your results, the website encourages you to invite someone to referee your commitment. You can set up your account so that a friend or family member must log in and verify that you did indeed meet the goal for the week. Pretty cool, huh?

One more thing...not sure how long this will last, but I found a link to a website that is having a holiday sale, offering year-long subscriptions to popular magazines for only $5. It's pretty sweet...I've subscribed to 2 of them already. You can click here to browse the selection.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Resolutions

I realize that this is probably a pointless exercise in which I'm setting myself up for failure (seriously, I've never known anyone to actually achieve any of their New Year's resolutions...we just set our goals impossibly high), but what can I say? I'm a sucker for lists, so here goes.

1) Create a budget and stick to it
2) Eat out (fast food included) no more than twice a week
3) Drastically reduce intake of carbonated drinks (goodbye diet coke...)
4) PLAN AHEAD--menus, finances, lesson plans, jobs, etc.
5) Exercise at least three times a week...walks? gym? yoga? something...ANYTHING.
6) Create hard-copy photo albums...too many pictures stored online where I don't see them as often.
7) Start the day off right. AKA: Jesus
8) Use time more efficiently
9) Consistently get more than 3 hours of sleep per night
10) Love more, laugh more, dance more, sing more, give more...you get the picture :)

It's a pretty hefty one, I'll admit. But it's a new year, and it's basically human nature to see today as a turning point...a chance to start fresh with new goals in mind.

Now here is where I will get slightly sappy. Taking a look back, 2009 held some extremely significant experiences and lessons. So here's another list...the highest (and sometimes scariest) moments that made this past year stand out from all the rest.

  • Traveled to Paris.
  • Spent the summer in Indiana with Heather and Doug.
  • Worked as a nanny for the Wanchic family, which allowed me to go on tour with John Mellencamp and band, traveling quite a bit
  • Had my first real teaching/classroom experience and realized just how near it is to my heart
  • Purchased an awful car that the previous owners must have absolutely cursed before selling...now I know to buy from a dealer with a warranty!
  • Spent a semester (with one more still ahead!) with 2 of the most amazing roommates and friends I could possibly ask for
  • Realized just how much those friendships mean to me
  • Attended another NCTE convention in Philadelphia
  • Significantly expanded my book collection
  • Met a famous YA author
  • Finally hung pictures on the walls of my apartment
  • Turned 21!
I guess I'll stop there, but I would say that's a pretty substantial list! I thank God for all of the experiences and growth that He has sent my way!