Wasted Time

I have become far too attached to my amazon wish list these days. I've just recently started actively using this list to keep track of the books I'm planning to read, but my obsession with "catching up" on what's out there in children's and young adult fiction has now morphed into a strange need to build up lists of potential shoe purchases as well as furniture, appliances, clothing, and other accessories. I can spend hours at a time browsing store websites and adding all manner of things to my wish list that I truly have no need (and possibly no real desire) for, but I get an odd thrill out pushing the "add to list" button that's now bookmarked on my toolbar. There you have it ladies and gentleman...the remainder of my summer summed up in only 2 words: virtual shopping.

Then there are nights not unlike this one, where I ask myself, "Why?". Why, with so much free time on my hands, do I insist on squandering it all away on meaningless activities that are not even close to productive or enriching. Seriously, I spend more time creating book lists than I do actually reading the books that I buy. And then there's all of that writing I wanted to do...the pages of notes I've taken over the past few weeks with real ideas and inspiration that I've been waiting a long time for. One would think that I may be motivated to write more, especially when I have a virtually non-existent social life at the moment. But the piles of unread books on the shelf and the unwritten letters and stories are not even close to significant compared to the other things I've been neglecting.

I won't lie and say that I haven't been a bit lonely here and there throughout the summer. It's hard to be away from the people I have come to be so close to over the years, despite the fact that I am surrounded with a whole heap of others who have done their best to make me feel at home for the time I'm here. The fact that they are all at least a decade older than me is irrelevant. What matters is that I've ignored, time and time again, a golden opportunity to draw even closer to the Father. On the nights I've been "shopping" from my bedroom out of boredom or reading books I don't really care about...the nights when I may have felt more than a little depressed to be so far away from the friends who have come to mean so much to me recently, I could have been opening myself up, allowing God to continue working on my heart, comforting me as only He can. And yet, I've sat so still, not even daring to make the move that I know is so necessary, so essential for my spiritual health. From the beginning of the summer, I have struggled with this sense of apathy, and here I am at the end...still in the same place. Wasted time, indeed.

Of course I'm not saying that this summer hasn't been special, valuable, or unforgettable. But what matters most in my relationship with Him, the One I promised to love, to praise, to glorify with every fiber of my being, and I've ignored that promise, choosing instead to let my faith lie dormant, never manifesting itself in action. Father forgive me, and instill in me a sense of urgency, a desperate need to grow closer, to know You as I never have before.