Sweet Surrender

I began writing this post 2 nights ago in a somewhat fruitless attempt to relieve a WHOLE lot of pent up frustration and anxiety regarding my job search. This is how it started...

I'm beginning to worry about myself. Graduation looms, and I'm unemployed with absolutely zero job prospects. I know it's still early as far as teaching jobs go...I've been told over and over that most teachers get hired in the middle of the summer or right before the school year starts. But here's the thing...I'm really really bad at waiting. What's worse, I have absolutely nothing to occupy my time except applying for non-existent jobs and worrying about what will happen if I don't get any interviews. So that's what I've been doing with my time off--checking my email obsessively and never going beyond hearing distance of my phone. I realize that this post-graduation panic is probably normal, but mine had developed into a bit of hysteria, I think. Thoughts of jobs (or lack thereof) consume just about every waking moment of my day.

And when I said "every waking moment," I meant that literally...I worried and stressed and fretted to the point where I was making myself sick. I'm not going to lie...I get stressed out about things now and again, but my behavior was so extreme, I almost didn't recognize myself. Later that night, I sat down with a notebook and a Bible, hoping that Jesus would have something to say. After spending a few minutes reiterating how nervous I was about my lack of job prospects, I realized that my horribly negative attitude and anxious heart were not obeying the Word. These feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness were not coming from God...you might say they were a direct attack from one whose only purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)...aka: the father of lies (John 8:44).

Even with this realization, I still contemplated staying where I was, believing the lies (which can sometimes be so cleverly disguised as "reality" or "logic") I was being told, simply because I was too tired to fight them. But God in His infinite grace and mercy gave me the strength to lift myself up off of my bedroom floor and start walking in FAITH. Though my eyes were heavy, my heart weak, and my words soft, I found myself fighting for Truth, proclaiming God's Word over my life:

God's will for me is good; He is not holding out on me.

I walk by faith and not by sight.

God fulfills His promises, showing compassion to those He loves.

He is my provider, my Father, my rescuer.
I find strength and rest in God alone..He is my fortress, and I will never be shaken.

Jesus is the author and perfecter of my faith.

I woke up the next morning exhausted, feeling like I had indeed been fighting some kind of battle, but you know what? I was breathing more easily. I was able to praise God for His continuous grace, knowing that He is working in ways I still cannot see. And you want to know something else? There was an email from a school district waiting in my inbox, letting me know that they had received my application and I was being considered for a position. A few hours later, I got another email from a family looking for a summer nanny...

In a few brief moments of surrender, God completely took care of one of my worries (the summer job) and alleviated the stress and anxiety of the other (the big girl job). I'm so thankful that He doesn't expect me to run my own life because when I'm left to my own devices, I'm really not that great at it.