Makes me Smile :)

So...it's been a long time. I got some "teacher evaluations" back from my kids today. The last few days have just been random filler activities as we await the official end of Fall semester. That being said, some of them took this little evaluation seriously, some did not, and a few chose to add their own comments. These are the ones that made me smile and gave me just the tiniest bit of affirmation.

"Your enthusiasm is awesome and not only do you have concerns about our everyday school work, you help us with everyday problems...thanks."

"I believe you try hard to be a good teacher."

"I learned how to express myself in my writing." (I almost jumped up and down when I read this one!)

"I love how your sense of humor mixes in with the lessons everyday!"

"I have enjoyed being in your class and will miss you and your warm heart and attitude."

And finally a simple...

"I have enjoyed your class this semester and have learned a lot!"

So maybe this semester wasn't what I imagined it would be. Maybe the level of chaos surpassed any that I could have imagined. And maybe I didn't handle any of the stress or disappointment like I thought I would. Perhaps I wasn't the "model teacher" every day, and maybe there were a few times when I let my unadulterated frustration, anger, and annoyance come through...just a little. ;-) But there were good moments. too. Having a kid tell me that she learned how to express her feelings in writing is a pretty huge victory in my eyes. Watching my sophomores experience books in a way that they had never experienced before (like--gasp!--actually enjoying a novel so much that they read the whole thing!) wasn't too bad either. And maybe having that one-on-one conversation with a kid when he finally starts to believe me when I say "You can do more because you're better than that" was a high point too.

It wasn't perfect. In fact, I think this is the farthest I have EVER been from perfect. But it's funny how my eyes are just now being opened to some of those "small victories" that I wasn't capable of seeing while I was living in the midst of the craziness. I'm just praying that Jesus keeps giving me eyes to see, because come next Tuesday, I'm headed for another semester of craziness. :)

Day 1

What can you accomplish when you're not constantly on the computer? Turns out a lot, actually. No facebook = finishing two books, starting another, getting in touch with apartment properties about moving in August, washing windows, initiating an all out war against accumulating dog hair, doing laundry, cooking dinner, exercising, etc.  More importantly, I feel SO much better today--not nearly as tired and lethargic as I am after spending so many hours behind the computer screen. 

Something I'm starting to notice is how very little self-control I have, whether it's concerning how I use my time, what I eat, what I spend, etc, and I think that's something God is really working on at the moment. We know all too well that He only trusts us with the big things if we can be faithful with the little things, so why would this be any different? Maybe it's just the fear of losing some of my "power" that is, the nice little rush that I get when I tell myself that it's my life, my body, my money, my time...blah blah blah that causes me to lack so much follow through. If I can't keep up with something when it gets hard (can anyone say diet plan??), then I just mask that failure with an air of self-confidence: "I don't need to be a size ___ to be happy." And that statement in and of itself might be true, but the motivation behind it is far from liberating. So...one goal at a time, I'm working through it. This week it's facebook. Next week it might be diet and exercise, and--let's face it--I'm always being forced to work on controlling my finances. So far, so good...we'll see how the rest of the week goes! 

Facebook Vacation

Yep. Just a short one, though. I don't think I could commit to any longer than a week. Here's the thing: I think so many hours of staring at the facebook homepage has been seriously detrimental to my motivation. Facebook isn't the only culprit, but it's certainly the biggest. I don't read because my multi-tasking skills are not sophisticated enough to include reading and actively checking FB at the same time. I don't write because I can only make it through a paragraph before making my way to a computer to check for updates. I can't even have some quite prayer time without checking my email. The first thing I do when I  walk through the door after work is grab my computer and get online. And that's where I stay. What I had originally considered to be a "down time"...something that's supposed to be relaxing, is making me irritable, impatient, and even more inactive than I already am. While I can't give up the internet all together (like it or not, email has become the prevalent form of communication for me), I'll say goodbye to facebook for a little while and see what it feels like. It's kind of like detox plan...you go on some crazy restrictive diet to jump start weight loss, and by the time you go off it, you no longer crave the junk as often. That is, if you can follow through. So here's to getting off the couch and doing something productive with the remainder of my summer.

Never Say Never

...because it will come back to bite you. I've recently been recalling conversations I had with others (or sometimes with myself) in which I've adamantly claimed that I will never....(fill in the blank).

"I wouldn't ever want to be an English teacher because then I'd have to learn all that grammar and stuff, and I hate that!"--Age 13

"This is sooo stupid! Why do I have to learn math?! I'll never need it!"--Age...well...probably from 10-17

In response to hearing Heather's passionate philosophies of education: "I'm never going to be quite as crazy as she is..." Age 14-18

And most recently: "I am NEVER going back to the lowcountry...I've had enough of that part of the state, and I want nothing more to do with it." Age 21

These statements came flooding back to my mind one-by-one yesterday afternoon as I made my way home from a day of tutoring elementary students in the math I was always so desperate to avoid. They continued to assault me as I chatted with a friend about the upcoming school year and how I'm planning for my first year as an English teacher, what literature I'm going to cover and how I'll fit in that grammar instruction that I've come to love so much. They stayed close by while I wrote out my own philosophies and beliefs about my classroom which are strangely close to my sister's...and they hit me full force as I searched for apartments in Charleston, aka: the Lowcountry. 


Never say never. It gives God an opportunity to see how serious you are.

My God SHALL supply!

I'm tempted to write an extremely long narrative about this one, but here's the long and short of it:

I'm unemployed...have been for a while now, and job prospects have been looking pretty bleak. After playing the waiting game for several long weeks, it looks like I'm going to have the opportunity to go back to Bloomington for the summer doing something I LOVE that will also be a fantastic resume booster (and pay pretty well too) while giving me the flexibility to take last minute trips to SC if a school district calls for an interview. Not long after making up my mind that this is where God wants me for the summer, my car (I should have been expecting this) dies yet again. I won't lie. I had a period of brief hysteria there for a little while when I looked at my upcoming bills--along with the car repair--and looked at the amount in my checking account and saw a sizable gap between the two. At that point, I realized that the only thing I could do, my one and only option, was to cry out to my Father and ask for His help. I had no back up plan, no resources, no alternative options in case He didn't come through...this was my chance to see Him provide for my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19), and provide He did!

Long story short, my car's bad alternator was still covered under warranty, the towing expenses were covered under our insurance, the mechanic threw in the 2 hours of labor for free, AND a rather large tax refund came in the mail...all within a few hours of each other. What could have been a huge road block and source of stress was resolved within hours. Not only does Jesus love me enough to care for the details of my life, but His plans for me are big enough that He wants nothing to stand in their way! Thank You, Father for providing supernaturally for my needs!

Sweet Surrender

I began writing this post 2 nights ago in a somewhat fruitless attempt to relieve a WHOLE lot of pent up frustration and anxiety regarding my job search. This is how it started...

I'm beginning to worry about myself. Graduation looms, and I'm unemployed with absolutely zero job prospects. I know it's still early as far as teaching jobs go...I've been told over and over that most teachers get hired in the middle of the summer or right before the school year starts. But here's the thing...I'm really really bad at waiting. What's worse, I have absolutely nothing to occupy my time except applying for non-existent jobs and worrying about what will happen if I don't get any interviews. So that's what I've been doing with my time off--checking my email obsessively and never going beyond hearing distance of my phone. I realize that this post-graduation panic is probably normal, but mine had developed into a bit of hysteria, I think. Thoughts of jobs (or lack thereof) consume just about every waking moment of my day.

And when I said "every waking moment," I meant that literally...I worried and stressed and fretted to the point where I was making myself sick. I'm not going to lie...I get stressed out about things now and again, but my behavior was so extreme, I almost didn't recognize myself. Later that night, I sat down with a notebook and a Bible, hoping that Jesus would have something to say. After spending a few minutes reiterating how nervous I was about my lack of job prospects, I realized that my horribly negative attitude and anxious heart were not obeying the Word. These feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness were not coming from God...you might say they were a direct attack from one whose only purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)...aka: the father of lies (John 8:44).

Even with this realization, I still contemplated staying where I was, believing the lies (which can sometimes be so cleverly disguised as "reality" or "logic") I was being told, simply because I was too tired to fight them. But God in His infinite grace and mercy gave me the strength to lift myself up off of my bedroom floor and start walking in FAITH. Though my eyes were heavy, my heart weak, and my words soft, I found myself fighting for Truth, proclaiming God's Word over my life:

God's will for me is good; He is not holding out on me.

I walk by faith and not by sight.

God fulfills His promises, showing compassion to those He loves.

He is my provider, my Father, my rescuer.
I find strength and rest in God alone..He is my fortress, and I will never be shaken.

Jesus is the author and perfecter of my faith.

I woke up the next morning exhausted, feeling like I had indeed been fighting some kind of battle, but you know what? I was breathing more easily. I was able to praise God for His continuous grace, knowing that He is working in ways I still cannot see. And you want to know something else? There was an email from a school district waiting in my inbox, letting me know that they had received my application and I was being considered for a position. A few hours later, I got another email from a family looking for a summer nanny...

In a few brief moments of surrender, God completely took care of one of my worries (the summer job) and alleviated the stress and anxiety of the other (the big girl job). I'm so thankful that He doesn't expect me to run my own life because when I'm left to my own devices, I'm really not that great at it.

Home!

It's not surprise that the minute I return to Indiana for a short visit, I resolve to start writing again. I'm really not sure what it is about this place that pushes me to turn thoughts into words, but it is inevitable.

My long-awaited Spring break has finally come, so here I am. I realized today that Bloomington is becoming less and less a "vacation spot" for me and becoming more like home each time I visit. This isn't the place I come to be entertained, to visit tourist hot-spots (does Indiana really have any of those anyway?), or do much of anything at all...this is where I come when I want to relax, do laundry, eat good food, spend all day reading a good book, browse the library book store, drink endless cups of coffee, and watch Glee marathons with Heather and Doug. It has become so normal, so natural for me to be here. I walked in the door yesterday evening after an extremely long drive (about 12 hours this time) and had to mentally re-adjust to the fact that I would indeed be leaving in 3 days, not staying for the entire summer. Even so, I have the best of both worlds, really. I love Bloomington...I love spending time with Heather and Doug and the crazy puppies...I love wasting away the days doing everything and nothing, but Rock Hill seems to be a better fit as far as my "real life" is concerned. What I love the most is that I can switch so seamlessly between the two...both places are home :)