Familiar Ground

It's really hard for me to get out of the vacation mindset that I'm in right now. I've been coming to Bloomington to see Heather every summer for the past several years, and it has always been a nice blend of fun activities and good old lounging and relaxation. Now that I'm here, there's not a single part of me that is ready to settle into a routine that includes work and productivity. I just can't believe that I'm not leaving in a few days, and it's so hard for me to picture myself actually living here for the next 3 months. Because of the age difference between me and Heather, it has been about 13 years since we've lived in the same house, so this should be interesting! Add a brother-in-law and 2 dogs the size of small horses, and you're in for some real entertainment. If nothing else, this summer will prove to keep me far from boredom.

But that's not really what's on my mind this evening. I've been dealing with this whole apathy thing for the past couple of weeks, and it really does not sit well with me. How quickly I forget God's goodness and the joy and peace He brings when we choose to trust in His faithfulness. But that's the thing...that choice does not always bring about good feelings. Sometimes it brings no feeling at all, which is where I am at this present moment. You know, it sounded great for me to say I was consciously choosing to remain joyful in all things, and for a while it felt great too. But eventually, good feelings fade away, and we're left with the task of following through without the help of the emotional high that we had in the first place. The part of me that is so deeply ensnared in summer vacation mode wants nothing to do with any kind of work, choices, or productivity, all things necessary to maintain a healthy relationship with Jesus. My stomach actually clenches at the thought of trying to work at drawing closer to God. There's a feeling of dread and anxiety that keeps me rooted to this very spot, not wanting to make any sudden movement for fear of realizing that I can't really get to the place I want to be.

I've been here before. This is the cycle that my spiritual life has been running for the past several years now. Time and time again God presents me with this opportunity to choose Him in spite of my feelings or lack thereof. Sometimes I respond more harshly than others, convinced that God dwells in my emotions rather than my heart. I push away from Him, thinking that He chooses to remain distant from me and me alone. Other times, I stay in this apathetic state, in which I simply ignore anything having to do with spiritual growth. Neither one of these options has served me well over the years. By now, I know the drill, and I know that if I allow myself to go back to that place of apathy or resentment, I will be back at square one. All of the work Jesus has done on my heart over the past couple of months will be undone. I know this, so why am I so hesitant to take another step toward Him? As well as I know myself and how I will react in certain situations, there are times when I just don't understand why I am this way. What is it that keeps me bound to this same place?

In keeping with the current spirit of summer, I'm too tired to try to figure it out tonight. I'm hoping that some quality time with Jesus (which I haven't had in quite a while) will help me to break out of this apathetic state and joyfully choose His redemption and love.