Christmas Spirit?

The silence in this apartment is absolutely deafening. It's finals week...we're stressed, frustrated, impatient, and TIRED. You would think that the culmination of these thing would add up to exasperated outbursts, loud rants and raves about the misery of exams, or at the very least a couple of friendly arguments over whatever silly things that roommates argue about (dishes? taking out the trash? I'm a little clueless here, since we are not the arguing type), but no. It all adds up to a silence so heavy and penetrating, that it's all I can do just to keep myself from running away. It's not that I like noise necessarily, but I definitely like to have something going on in the background...just to remind me that I don't live in a tomb.

It's almost Christmas, and here we are with our just recently decorated apartment (ok, we only got as far as the fireplace and some lights strung feebly along the railing of the balcony, but it's a start!), and no other perceivable bit of Christmas spirit or holiday cheer to go along with it. I'm sad to say it, but I think this must mean that I've grown up. Christmas cookies and jingle bells simply aren't enough to replace the stress of being a college senior with the excitement of the current season. I hate that I have lost this sense of joy, but what I hate more is that I don't really know how to regain it. I realize that the fact that I'm no longer in grade school has something to do with this, but shouldn't the mystery of Christmas--Christ coming to Earth as one of us--still bring joy to my heart and cause me to stop and wonder at the mystery of it all? The sheer magnitude of such an act...for God to become human, to live this sometimes weary life, knowing all along that He would have to die a most excruciating death to save the ones that put Him on the cross in the first place.

My Christmas prayer is that I be reunited with that joy and wonder...that my heart might be constantly amazed at the gift He came to give us all. Lord Jesus, please give me a more sincere heart to accept this gift from You. I pray that my actions and attitude might glorify You and lift You up, pointing others toward Your ceaseless love. May praises and prayers of thanksgiving constantly reside on my lips. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

So I guess I completely fail at doing ANYTHING consistently...writing on a daily basis included. I don't know if it's the fact that I feel like I have nothing of any real significance to say (seriously, how many times can I talk about finals and lesson plans?) or the mere hint of obligation I feel to keep this thing updated. I swear, as soon as I make the slightest shift from wanting to do something to feeling like maybe I should, all of my self-discipline flies right out the window. Like reading...I may very well have read some of those "classics" all on my own and LOVED them, but because a teacher was telling me that I had to read them because they were just plain important...I got a little rebellious. Maybe that's understandable and even halfway acceptable in high school, but seriously?!...You would think that after spending 4 years being completely self-sufficient and making my own decisions, I would not experience such unwilling resistance to anything that holds any measure of obligation. I should be able to just suck it up and finish what I started. But no.

See, that's another little issue I have. I simply cannot finish one thing before starting another. Again, this is demonstrated all too well by my reading habits. I'll be halfway through one book before deciding that I just have to start this other one that has been sitting on my shelf for months. Or I'll make out a to-do list for myself, and rather than making my way down the list one at a time, I do bits pieces of each thing sporadically, never really making any real progress. What's worse though, is that I'm all too aware of my tendency to simply give up mid-way through a project simply because I've had enough of it. I was born without the gene that makes you finish something just because you want to see it completed. I started reading The Book Thief a few weeks ago and was totally sucked it...I couldn't get enough! I spent all of my free time working my way through this book...until I got to the last 50 or so pages. I had had enough. So now it's sitting on my floor, almost read but not quite, and to be honest...I don't have any intention of picking it up again.

WHAT is it about me that keeps me from having the ability to successfully complete any task, project, or challenge in an efficient manner?! Is it a mental block? Is it just something that I've been telling myself for so many years that is has actually manifested itself in my day-to-day life, or am I really just incapable of establishing and keeping routines and habits?

I'm beginning to think that the only consistent "habit" I will ever be capable of sustaining is my dire need for my morning coffee fix.

Ok, so I've already fallen off the wagon with my whole writing every day business. For whatever reason, yesterday was just ridiculously crazy and exhausting. Nothing out of the ordinary was going on really (although I was initiated into the New Moon cult...Christy and Stacey took me to see the movie last night, and I'm sad to say that I just can't work up quite as much enthusiasm as everyone else). Maybe it was just the prospect of heading back to Andrews for the next few days that just plain wears me down. Nothing against my parents...I love them dearly, but like I mentioned in an earlier post, I just can't quite associate that place with "home" anymore.

Enough of my complaints. In the spirit of Thanksgiving (AND since the parents don't have internet, so I can't do this tomorrow), I feel like I need to remind myself how good I have it. So here goes...I'm thankful for

1) Jesus and His pursuit of me even when I'm sitting still
2) Family who I've grown to love and actually get along with as I've gotten older
3) The chance to teach, inspire, love, and comfort
4) BOOKS
5) Wonderful friends who are constant reminders of joy

I could go on, but I would probably get carried away. I'll leave it there for now...short and sweet.

Day 3--???

Ok. I'm on day 3, and I'm already out of things to say. The only thing I can possibly think to write about involves detailed explanations of my thematic unit and descriptions of all the papers I have yet to grade. I'm trying really hard not to go there right now.

I'll just go ahead and say that I'm glad to be home. It's funny to me that "home" now officially means the 3 bedroom apartment I share with 2 wonderful roommates. Christy and Stacey picked me up from the airport yesterday afternoon, and it felt good to have them there waiting for me with hugs, eagerly (or at least patiently) awaiting my nerdy stories about English teacher related things. Thank God for such good friends that humor me in all of my craziness.

Day 2

Ok, so my new "dedication" must really be taking off if I'm up at ten to 7 blogging :) Not really...I have to leave in about 40 minutes to catch a train to the airport. Doesn't that just sound so grown up? "I have to catch my train..." I found myself in a series of those kinds of experiences while I was traveling to NCTE this weekend. Like when I explained to the gate agent that I was traveling to a professional conference and really needed to make sure that the delays in Charlotte didn't cause me to miss my connecting flight to Philly. Or when I was casually chatting with Sarah Dessen's book editor about the kind of fiction I wanted to have in my classroom. Or then there the was the moment in the airport when I was sitting quietly grading papers to pass the time (we were delayed for 2-3 hours, and surprisingly enough...I only graded a couple of them) and I suddenly found myself engaged in quite the conversation with a college professor from Ohio about how 8th grade achievement is the single most significant factor in determining if kids will attend college or not. We were looking at this article and discussing graphs and data and everything! Gosh, I am such a nerd sometimes.

Who knows what kind of bizarre experiences I'll have on the trip back.

By the way, I've decided that I'm going to try this whole writing every day thing for at least a month. So this is officially day 2 :)

Back Again

So, I'm back...and this time, I'm challenging myself to be more committed. Not necessarily more committed to the blog, but more committed to writing something each and every day, even if it's only a sentence or 2. I guess that's what I get for going to a teacher's conference in Philadelphia all weekend. I'm still here actually, reveling in so many wonderful ideas, resources, and influential people. I found myself going mostly to sessions that featured young adult authors, and I think that was more valuable than any kind of curriculum instruction stuff I could have seen. The last session I went to was a panel of authors (Laure Halse Anderson included) who all spoke about how they use blogs to reach their readers. Readers...I want to have readers! People who visit my humble little piece of the web regularly just to see what I have to say. That's probably a far-fetched idea, so for now, I'm content to just get some of my ramblings down in print for random strangers to stumble across by chance.

In my quest to try writing every day, I feel like I'm in danger of becoming weighed down, writing only about books and lesson plans. Right now, it's all I really know. Life beyond my future career in the classroom really does not exist at its fullest at this particular moment. So--before I make a serious effort to branch out beyond what kind of grammar instruction I've found has been the most successful and other subjects of that nature, I'm going to enjoy one last (for now) unadulterated student teacher-centered post.

Today I met Sarah Dessen, a young adult author who is hugely popular among teenage girls. I've read only one of her books, Someone Like You, and I enjoyed it, but to be honest, it didn't exactly change my life or anything like that. Even so, I was so THRILLED at the prospect of meeting her in person. Sarah Dessen's blog is one of the reasons I'm challenging myself to become a more committed writer. Because she posts so faithfully (and I read it quite religiously), I feel like I know her on a personal level. When I actually listened to her speak in a session about girls coming of age, I felt as if I were listening to an old friend. I felt somewhat prideful as she so gracefully accepted the heartfelt praise and answered sincere questions of several admiring teachers...she so effortlessly lived up to my expectations.

You want to hear something else really cool? Before attending that session, I was at her publisher's booth in the exhibition hall (LOTS of books + free stuff + author signings = HEAVEN) browsing through some of her titles. I knew she would be signing later in the day, and I needed something for her to sign! A woman working in that booth started talking to me about which books were her favorites, and we were chatting away about my future in the classroom and how I really wanted to become more familiar with Sarah's books because I knew how popular they are. Long story short, I wanted a particular book, but the only copies left were for display only. This absolutely lovely woman quietly sneaked a copy into my bag, and she would not accept any payment. I was delightfully surprised and grateful for her helpfulness and generosity! Only later did I find out that I had been speaking with Sarah Dessen's book editor. Wow. The kind of people you rub elbows with (or is the expression "rub shoulders" ?) at NCTE.

In short, spending so much time among fantastic teachers and real, successful authors has inspired me to once again find the writer within myself. And as any decent (or at least aspiring) English teacher would tell you, we are all writers. Even if the only writing we do in a day consists of sending a series of text messages, sprinkled with cryptic and once-foreign expressions like "lol", "ttyl", and of course, "OMG!". Honestly, I still cannot get over this whole "text language". What's wrong with typing out a full sentence? I'm sure more people than ever have unlimited texting plans these days, so it really shouldn't be an issue. Ugh...I digress. So anyway, I would encourage you--whoever you are, whether we know each other or you just happened to stumble across this blog, to try writing just a little bit every day and see where it leads you. I'm pretty excited...I'm expecting some cool stuff to happen :)

Procrastination

I have a 3-week thematic unit awaiting my attention, so I felt like now was a good time to start bringing out all of my tools of procrastination...blogging included. I seem to have gotten a better sense of control since the last time I wrote. For whatever reason, I had a breakthrough last weekend. I packed up all of my stuff and went to sit in Barnes and Noble for maybe an hour or so to plan lessons for the upcoming weeks. Since then, I've become obsessed with organization, lists, and catching up on all of the stuff that has been dragging me down for the past semester.

I honestly think my life is far too boring at this point to say anything else...I don't really have an interesting stories or updates. I at least succeeded in the whole procrastination thing for a good 5 minutes before finding something else to take up my lesson-planning time :)